communication

Below are a few different framings & practices regarding some specifics regarding giving & receiving feedback.

A healthy culture thrives on a feedback-rich environment so it is essential that we have effective practices in place for our community to be able to both challenge & support each other to enact our best selves. Receiving feedback can often be a a nerve-racking experience of relaxing our protective “shield” to have someone point out our flaws or where we have not been in alignment with our higher intentions. What is less well understood is that giving feedback can be equally nerve racking! “Why should I even lean in to say this to this person? What’s the point? It feels so edgy. I’ll just let it slide.”

Giving feedback essentially threatens unity by creating a situation of difference between individuals. You are sitting on that side of the conversation, and I might see and feel things differently on this side of the table. As intentional communities, we of course want to be as unified and coherent as possible so why would we want to rock the boat? High-functioning teams give each other feedback, as honestly and cleanly as possible in order for the community spirit to remain healthy. It is a bit like weeding a garden. None of us come into groups completely clean and we need to create a culture that can support us each to grow in the direction that they aspire to. Feedback can address all sorts of minor issues like cleanliness of a kitchen, to addressing the way that someone is communicating, to delivering feedback about someones blind spots in terms of race or gender issues. The formats below work for all of these situations and are incredibly useful when entering a charged conversation.

Formats

There are two simple templates we will introduce here that can help you relax into giving feedback. The first is called SBI-R (Situation-Behavior-Impact-Request) and the second the well known NVC (Non-Violent Communication).

SBI-R

SBI-R comes from the Center for Creative Leadership in San Francisco. It is an easy to remember format for delivering challenging feedback. It has been studied and applied in the organizational world and is known for its effectiveness due to lack of blame and focus on cleanliness and results. Here are is a breakdown of the components. This precludes that you have already said to someone “Hey, can we talk?” or “I have something to share with you. Would you be open to some feedback?” So, you have already made that step and are now in the conversation itself.

Situation:

First, name the situation that you would like to talk about. This is a simple framing of the situation you would like to address. “Ok, so I’d like to talk about the house meeting last night.” It doesn’t need to be long, but take a moment and just bring the other person into the same frame of what you’ll be speaking about so they can orient.

Behavior:

Second, name the behavior(s) that you observed in as cleanly and non-judgmentally a way as possible. Often, we can throw a lot of heat in immediately in feedback that put the receiver on the defense. From there on, nothing you say will matter. If they are closed, they are closed. If one starts with, “You totally attacked Jim in that meeting. That was bulls*#$.” Those are fightin’ words, as they say. Instead, for someone to actually hear you, you must state your observations but save the judgement. That will come next, but in a more effective way than you might be used to. So for this step, you will simply state “I observed/saw that when Jim was speaking about his view on the neighbors, you interrupted him and when he tried to keep speaking, you spoke louder until he stopped speaking and then you changed the subject to the grocery system.” The received might be a little on edge now but, again, just try to be as neutral as possible in what you observed happen without using judgemental terms. They should be saying internally “Yes, I did do that. I did interrupt him and speak louder. You’re right, I did bring up that other topic.”

Impact

This is the point where most feedback breaks down. In sloppy feedback, we might just jump to “You just shouldn’t interrupt Jim. That is not acceptable behavior and you should be ashamed.” Sure, you could say this and it very well could partially land for the other person. The beauty of this SBI-R format (and the following NVC format) is that you include the impact on you personally of the behavior you have witnessed. This is really the main thing you are communicating here.. We are hard-wired to relate to each other emotionally. When someone shares a core emotion – unless we are cut off from that emotion ourselves, which is another story – we cannot help but resonate on an emotional level with that person. So when I share the impact of the behavior on myself rather than my judgement of the behavior as good or bad, I give the other person the opportunity to understand what their actions have created in the space instead of feeling judged. Here could be an example of sharing impact in this format: “When you cut Jim off like that, I was pretty shocked in that moment. I felt myself freeze a bit, and underneath that I felt pretty angry at you. Like, really angry actually. I really didn’t like that move. I’ve noticed I’ve been avoiding you since then and I am honestly still angry about it.”

So, now we give the other person a change to share from our SBI share. “Wow, I didn’t know that was the impact on you. I’m really sorry I interrupted him and didn’t mean to upset you or anyone really.” or they might reject it, “That is your problem you didn’t like it. That’s just how I communicate.” So there will likely be some back and forth here that goes outside the bounds of a simple, clean format. Just roll with it and stay rooted in your first person experience. It is helpful if both parties are able to practice reflective listening here. “Ok, so what I hear you saying is….” Then, then the other person can say “No, that is not what I am saying” or clarify “Yes, exactly” or “Yes, that is partially it, but you missed this which is very important….”

Ideally, when we can really understand where the other person is coming from after a few rounds of this, we can settle into a groove of understanding. If not, you might ask for a neutral third party (i.e. another roomate, a mediator, etc.)  to sit with you and help hold the rails of the conversation for folks to hear each other.

Request

We don’t want to be stuck in endless, emotional processing. At some point after we have had a chance to hear each other and share our humanity and vulnerability, we want to turn back to the tasks at hand and move forward. This is a very different energetic space at the end here of making clear requests (or offers). It can have a creative, brain-storming type feel to it of moving from a more Yin processing space to a more Yang action-oriented space. “I’d like to request that when you are disagreeing with someone that you practice slowing down to reflect what they are saying instead of speaking over them. Would you be open to that?” Be in conversation about developing practices that everyone feels good about. It is most powerful when it is not a command but a conversation around practice.

NVC (Non-Violent Communication)

NVC is another popular format for resolving conflict and goes one step deeper in the conversation of addressing the “underlying needs” behind the impact. “Why did I feel angry that you interrupted Jim? Because I really value process. I feel like process essentially protects everyone to have a voice. When we don’t follow process and give each other fair air time to speak, I get worried that quieter voices will get trammeled and it makes me angry and unsettled.” This can be a a very useful way to diver deeper into collective agreements as a whole community to expose these underlying needs/values. Below is an overview of an NVC format. Notice how both formats 1) aim to express with an absence of blame or criticism, 2) expose the impact/feelings that emerged from the experience, and 3) have space for clear requests to close. Experiment for yourself with these formats and what works best for your own style of giving & receiving feedback. It is an incredibly useful skill in any team environment you are part of.