communication

Speaking from the First Person

It is helpful to understand “where” we are speaking from when communicating, especially in conflict or feedback settings. The diagram below helps to locate us as to the perspective we are taking and speaking from. Are we speaking from our first person experience as an “I” (the interior of the individual)? Or are we speaking from the shared understanding of multiple individuals as a “We” (the interior of the collective)? Or am I taking a third person perspective speaking about something from the exterior – “It / Its”?

Language matters and bringing awareness to the perspective that we are taking in a conversation is a great way to avoid miscommunication and confusion. Often, when we disagree with one another we can slip into statements like “It just isn’t fair for you to do that!” or “We wouldn’t want to do that” when really there is an “I” preference at their core that is not being fully expressed. An “I” preference is not a bad thing at all, yet it is important to delineate between “It just isn’t fair for you to do that”  vs. “I don’t like that you are doing that.” It is just cleaner to own the feedback. Keep in mind: you don’t need anyone’s approval for your personal opinion! If you start to use “it” language, it calls into effect where the information is coming from. “It just isn’t fair” … based on what standards? Who is the governing body the fairness of that situation?

In saying something like “we wouldn’t want to do that”…well, who is included in that “we”? Is everyone on board for you speaking as the “we”? Sometimes someone can speak for the collective quite eloquently and these are powerful moments. At other times, speaking from the voice of the “we” can be avoiding personal differences that exist in the room. Allowing different perspectives to present themselves often leaves to a much more durable collective.

We find it most useful when having a difficult conversation to speak from the “I” —

• “I”- only you need to agree! 1st person.
• “We” – needs to be a shared experience. Built on 2nd person “you.”
• It/Its – needs to be verifiable via scientific method. 3rd person.

Reflective listening

Building on these three perspectives above (1st, 2nd, 3rd), a great practice to engage in a conflict resolution practice is setting up a triad. If there is conflict or disagreement that seems to not be resolving between yourself and another roommate, try this:

• Find a roommate who is neutral who is willing to play the 3rd person perspective and listen.
  • They will be timekeeper and keep people within the structure.
• First share:
• One party in the disagreement shares their experience purely from a 1st person experience for 2-3 min.
  • Note: “I feel like you are an a**hole and you don’t care about other people” is not so much a first person statement as a judgement disguised in first person perspective. Try something more real that brings it home, “I feel disheartened and angry when you leave dishes out after we’ve asked you not to in the house meetings repeatedly. It makes me want to pull away and I feel like I can’t trust you with other more important issues in the house.”
• Second party listens and reflects back what they heard first party say. 2-3 min
  • Note: Listening to another’s perspective does not denote agreement, it purely means that you are acknowledging their experience.
  • A sentence like above could be super triggering if we aren’t careful “What do you mean you can’t trust me!? What about that time… rah rah rah”. Rather, try reflecting.
  • Reflection: “So I hear you saying that when I leave dishes that you feel angry and disheartened, is that right? And that you feel like you can’t trust me with bigger decisions in the house. I hear that. Is there anything I missed that is important?”
  • Something magical happens when someone is really heard, instead of needing to fight to have a perspective heard it can just exist there. We can figure out what to do about it later, but for starts, lets allow people to have their first person perspectives.
• Now switch, so second party is sharing for 2-3 min, with first party listening and reflecting 2-3 minutes.
• Neutral party from there opens to either another round of structured sharing and reflection or if things are starting to open up, can enter more informal discussion about next steps. 
• Below is an NVC layout for that particular process which involves stating the underlying needs behind actions and making effective requests from there.